I've been thinking about some stuff lately, some stuff about myself, trying to get some things worked out, and I've really not been enjoying it. So now I'm going to get some of it off my chest, be "vulnerable," or be what it really feels like I'm being: weak. But whatever. If anyone doesn't feel like wallowing in my self-pity and confusion with me, feel free to leave now. But if anyone is interested in getting to know me a lot better, stick around and you might learn something.
I truly believe that I have been gifted with strong leadership skills. I believe I am a leader. But I've got a feeling that a lot of you out there don't believe that. I've got a feeling that the incredibly small number of you actually reading this is a testament to how much you disagree that I am a leader. That's because you probably haven't seen me leading anything this year. I'm not even sure I can think of the last time I led anything or anyone in anything this year. But that's my point. I've been so inwardly focused during this past semester. (Please, go back and see how many times I've used the word "I" so far this entry as proof.) Now, that isn't necessarily a bad thing, to be inwardly focused. I think I've really gotten a lot of things right with God, I've made stronger commitments to my faith, and my spiritual life has been growing in good ways. But I've had to force myself to be extremely vulnerable with some people in order to work through some it all.
I don't mind being vulnerable. I mind being weak. And at some point I think I crossed that line. I don't know when or how, but for some reason I feel like crap about it as I look back, and I can't explain it.
Oh jeez, I'm just looking up and down at what I've written so far and none of it makes sense, I'm just rambling. I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm trying to say.
Okay, I'm just gonna start with some thoughts that have been bugging me lately.
I hope this is ludicrous and all in my head, but I don't always feel like I fit in with my friends. The only comparison I can think of is me as Peter Pettigrew, tagging along with all the cool kids at Hogwarts, only pretending to fit in. Something inside is nagging away at me, "What are you doing here? You don't belong here," and it drives me crazy.
It bugs me that most of my friends will be able to drink legally by the end of our junior year and I'll have to wait until senior year because I have an August birthday.
It bugs me that I'm 5'6''. I hate seeing pictures people post on facebook where I'm a head shorter than everyone around me, and it seems like that's the case in pretty much all the pictures people post on facebook, though I'm probably only saying that because those are the ones I remember. It bugs me that this particular point bugs me, because I should know better than to care about something I can't control and that ultimately doesn't matter, but apparently I don't know better.
Back to leadership. I have retreated this past semester in order to take my spiritual life more seriously - I needed to rework some things with myself. And I figured that when I had done that, I would be ready to hopefully start taking a leadership position in my everyday life and relationships. The problem is that by the time I was ready to do that, the year was over. In high school, I knew who depended on me for guidance and trusted me for leadership. And I loved helping them because it seemed like something I was put there for, I felt like I was fulfilling a purpose. I can now see that I would occasionally act selflessly, only so that I could selfishly tell myself how selfless I was. I do regret that now that I see it, but that doesn't change the fact that I was able to lead. But now? I've missed opportunities to put myself in those positions, and I have an overwhelming fear that my chance is gone and I'll be stuck in a place of complaining and trying to work through my own problems (much like I am wasting time and energy doing right now). Because I have shown practically no strength whatsoever this year, no one has had the chance to see me strong, so next year, who will trust me to deliver? I can feel and see that no one truly expects strength from me, and I will never again get the opportunity to focus outwardly. At least, that is what my fear is telling me.
I have relied on others during this past year more than I ever have before, and now I can see the affects that has had on my life. No one any longer relies on me, and I can no longer rely on myself. And that is not a fun place to be. Even in writing this, I am putting all of my doubts and self-pity out there for anyone to see, and I can only pray that it comes across as vulnerability, which is what I intend it as, and not as weakness, which is what I fear it is. I do not regret this recent vulnerability (although I do sometimes wish it were reciprocated so I could return the enormous favors others have done for me), but I wish it wouldn't bother me so much now. And I can't figure out just why exactly it does bother me.
Change of subject. Girls. Let's talk about fear. This one really bugs me, but I know that that is probably mostly my fault. All throughout high school, girls kept on telling me, "You're just not the kind of guy that high school girls are looking for." This was a polite way of saying I was too short, not at all attractive, and despite being smart, funny, sweet, and mature, I would constantly be overshadowed by the football players and such with their popped collars and ribbed condoms (for her pleasure). I was always comforted, though, by the follow up, "But in college, you'll be exactly the kind of guy that girls are looking for." Thus far, this has proved untrue. I'm actually okay with that. What I'm not okay with is my inability to determine why it is untrue. Is it that the girls have not changed, or that I have? Has the apparent weakness I described earlier actually infilitrated the minds of the opposite sex and made me even less appealing than I already was, even though my retreat from extroversion was primarily an effort to strengthen my relationship with God? Please don't tell me I got cockblocked by God without His even making an effort. I mean, this is serious stuff here! I haven't been pro-active because it scares me. Rejection scares me. I don't know how to date. I don't know how to be a boyfriend. This scares me. I don't get "crushes" in the typical sense of the word, and that really scares me because half the time I don't even know where my emotions lie.
I have so much fear in me right now. I can see it all happening. My friends will realize that I don't fit in with them, and they will abandon me, and once they cast me out of their circle, I won't be able to form new relationships elsewhere because everyone else will already be established within themselves. So then I won't be able to use the strength I feel I finally re-established at the end of my semester-long personal retreat, and I'll be forced back into weakness (which may manifest itself in the form of long and seemingly pointless self-pitying blog entries). Not to mention, of course, that I will never find a girl I like, nor a girl who likes me, and I will die a virgin. I can see it all happening.
Fortunately, I know that God is on my side (even though I'm pretty sure if we went to a party together, he would be the one who walks away with the girl). I do have faith in his wisdom, and I know that this is all probably just in my head and it will work out for the best next year. I'll be co-leading a Biblia study where I hope good things will be happening both in personal relationships and for the community. I'll be pursuing stronger friendships with my brothers and sisters. And I'll get the chance to lead the way I know I can. I just don't know how.
Look, this little rant is not depression or low self-esteem or anything weird like that. I'm not having an existential crisis or grave spiritual doubts. I don't want you all to try to cheer me up. If you have something you want to say about how crazy I am acting, feel free. You know if you're someone I'd want or need to hear that from (and if you think you're someone I need to hear from, make sure I hear from you, it would be helpful), and you know that facebook messages tend to make me marginally happier anyway.
I don't know why I felt the need to put so much of this out in the open, but it was eating me up a little bit, and now hopefully I can start focusing on strength because of the one who is my strength.
"Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these? He who brings out their host by number, calling them all by name, by the greatness of his might, and because he is strong in power, not one is missing." -- Isaiah 40:26
Peace be upon you.
No comments:
Post a Comment